Even though it is October, I am doing a bit of "spring cleaning". I received a much-needed new laptop so I am going through all the files on my old laptop to determine what can be deleted, what should be saved to a disc, and what should be transferred to the new laptop. I have come across dozens of cover letters, resumes, and applications that I've sent out over the last 8 years. Many of these positions that I applied to (and subsequently received rejection) I have forgotten about. I have found some briliantly written cover letters and restated the question of "Why didn't they hire me?" There are a few that I realize I never received a response from and I feel that disappointment all over again. It all leads me to wondering what God's plan is for me and how much longer must I wait?
I desperately covet your prayers at this time. I feel as though there is no end in sight to being unemployed. And I'm really starting to feel that I have no real abilities to do anything well. I am being faced with some serious financial challenges. Insomnia is my nighttime friend and I'm sure depression isn't far behind. I'm hoping that my next update will be full of good news!
Saturday, October 02, 2010
Monday, August 23, 2010
Why am I Jealous?
Generally, I don't really think of myself as the jealous type. At least, I don't think I am and I don't want to be a jealous person. But I'm starting to think maybe I am more jealous than I realize.
I'm finishing up the last week of my summer job as a logger. The time has flown by. I don't have any concrete jobs lined up for when I leave here but I feel like I've made some good contacts. I'm hoping and praying (and asking you to do so as well) that these contacts will lead to another job in the near future. A number of my co-workers have been going on interviews in abundance. I have yet to land ONE interview. Here's where the fight against jealousy enters, as well as the fight against entitlement and feeling sorry for myself. The truth of the matter is, with the exception of one of those jobs they've interviewed for, I don't want any of those positions. So why am I jealous? One of those co-workers was hired for a job today and starts on Thursday. She's super excited. I can honestly say I'm happy for her but if it were a position I wanted, I don't think I'd be happy for her. Another co-worker has an interview tomorrow for a position that's perfect for her. It's completely not right for me. But it makes me feel frustrated that I haven't had one interview, anywhere, for a perfect or un-perfect position. I lie to myself, trying to convince myself that a perfect position will come along for me and they won't be competition because they will have been hired elsewhere. I'd really like to believe that but I know I'm just lying. This turns into me losing confidence in myself and doubting my abilities. Jealousy doesn't stop at jealousy, it grows and easily turns into hate and anger. It needs to stop.
So what is jealousy? Why do I feel it? What does the Bible say about it? And how can I be geniunely happy for someone else, even if they get a job that I wanted?
Jealousy is defined as "resentment against a rival, a person enjoying success or advantage, etc., or against another's success or advantage itself." Yeah, that really sums up how I feel! Interestingly, there really are no antonyms for jealousy. But you can think of it as "NOT having resentment against a rival, a person enjoying success or advantage, etc., or against another's success or advantage itself." That would mean that you are genuinely happy for them.
Why do I feel it? I feel jealous because I want what they have. Maybe not exactly what they have but something close to what they have.
The book of James in chapter 3 has point on advice about jealousy and envy.
14 But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth.
15 Such "wisdom" does not come down from heaven but is earthly, unspiritual, of the devil.
16 For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice.
17 But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere.
Yikes! Jealousy is "of the devil" and leads to "every evil practice." That should be enough right there to make me get over my jealousy. But I still feel the "selfish ambition" of what about me? What is the "wisdom that comes from heaven"? This is something I need to seek God to show me. By doing this, it takes the focus off me and the accomplishments of others. If I can cling to that, then my selfish ambition will fade and I can genuinely ("impartial and sincere") be happy for others.
I'm finishing up the last week of my summer job as a logger. The time has flown by. I don't have any concrete jobs lined up for when I leave here but I feel like I've made some good contacts. I'm hoping and praying (and asking you to do so as well) that these contacts will lead to another job in the near future. A number of my co-workers have been going on interviews in abundance. I have yet to land ONE interview. Here's where the fight against jealousy enters, as well as the fight against entitlement and feeling sorry for myself. The truth of the matter is, with the exception of one of those jobs they've interviewed for, I don't want any of those positions. So why am I jealous? One of those co-workers was hired for a job today and starts on Thursday. She's super excited. I can honestly say I'm happy for her but if it were a position I wanted, I don't think I'd be happy for her. Another co-worker has an interview tomorrow for a position that's perfect for her. It's completely not right for me. But it makes me feel frustrated that I haven't had one interview, anywhere, for a perfect or un-perfect position. I lie to myself, trying to convince myself that a perfect position will come along for me and they won't be competition because they will have been hired elsewhere. I'd really like to believe that but I know I'm just lying. This turns into me losing confidence in myself and doubting my abilities. Jealousy doesn't stop at jealousy, it grows and easily turns into hate and anger. It needs to stop.
So what is jealousy? Why do I feel it? What does the Bible say about it? And how can I be geniunely happy for someone else, even if they get a job that I wanted?
Jealousy is defined as "resentment against a rival, a person enjoying success or advantage, etc., or against another's success or advantage itself." Yeah, that really sums up how I feel! Interestingly, there really are no antonyms for jealousy. But you can think of it as "NOT having resentment against a rival, a person enjoying success or advantage, etc., or against another's success or advantage itself." That would mean that you are genuinely happy for them.
Why do I feel it? I feel jealous because I want what they have. Maybe not exactly what they have but something close to what they have.
The book of James in chapter 3 has point on advice about jealousy and envy.
14 But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth.
15 Such "wisdom" does not come down from heaven but is earthly, unspiritual, of the devil.
16 For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice.
17 But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere.
Yikes! Jealousy is "of the devil" and leads to "every evil practice." That should be enough right there to make me get over my jealousy. But I still feel the "selfish ambition" of what about me? What is the "wisdom that comes from heaven"? This is something I need to seek God to show me. By doing this, it takes the focus off me and the accomplishments of others. If I can cling to that, then my selfish ambition will fade and I can genuinely ("impartial and sincere") be happy for others.
Tuesday, June 08, 2010
Still a test of faith
After a year and a half of being out of steady employment, I have finally been hired to a 12-week contract with a production company.
While it's not the dream job I had hoped for, I'm thankful that God has provided it for me and hopeful that it will grow into bigger and better things. It's not a producer position. It's an entry level logger position for a program on Food Network. It's easy and I'm hoping that it will be a nice transition back into the production field. As I received the final confirmation today about this job, I started to crunch the numbers involved. I realized the daily train ride into Manhattan and the subway from Grand Central to Soho where the office is located will cost me half a week's salary every month. I started considering other options to get to work. But there really aren't any cheaper options. Parking in Manhattan is around $45 a day! Definitely not a cheaper alternative. I started really stressing out thinking this job is going to cost me money in the end. Is it worth it? I think it is. If I have to get through these 12 weeks living off of what's left of my savings, then that's what I have to do in order to see what's waiting on the other side--perhaps a step up the ladder with better pay. I'm willing to work overtime in order to make ends meet. I mean, what else am I going to do with my time? Overall, I really think God will provide what I need to get into and out of the city everyday, pay rent, and still keep my lights on, oh, and have some food to eat too! I look back over the last year and a half WITHOUT a job and He has never allowed me to go hungry or miss a rent payment. Why should I think that He brought me a job and will abandon me now? It's easy for my head to believe this. It's a different story convincing my heart to accept this truth. My faith will be stretched even more as I near the end of the 12-week contract. Right now, I don't know if I will have another job waiting for me, if I'll be able to go back on unemployment, or what I'm supposed to do at that point. But there's no sense in worrying about it today or next week or even next month. I pray I can remember all these truths over the next few months but I'm sure I'll have those moments where I forget and start to stress out again!
While it's not the dream job I had hoped for, I'm thankful that God has provided it for me and hopeful that it will grow into bigger and better things. It's not a producer position. It's an entry level logger position for a program on Food Network. It's easy and I'm hoping that it will be a nice transition back into the production field. As I received the final confirmation today about this job, I started to crunch the numbers involved. I realized the daily train ride into Manhattan and the subway from Grand Central to Soho where the office is located will cost me half a week's salary every month. I started considering other options to get to work. But there really aren't any cheaper options. Parking in Manhattan is around $45 a day! Definitely not a cheaper alternative. I started really stressing out thinking this job is going to cost me money in the end. Is it worth it? I think it is. If I have to get through these 12 weeks living off of what's left of my savings, then that's what I have to do in order to see what's waiting on the other side--perhaps a step up the ladder with better pay. I'm willing to work overtime in order to make ends meet. I mean, what else am I going to do with my time? Overall, I really think God will provide what I need to get into and out of the city everyday, pay rent, and still keep my lights on, oh, and have some food to eat too! I look back over the last year and a half WITHOUT a job and He has never allowed me to go hungry or miss a rent payment. Why should I think that He brought me a job and will abandon me now? It's easy for my head to believe this. It's a different story convincing my heart to accept this truth. My faith will be stretched even more as I near the end of the 12-week contract. Right now, I don't know if I will have another job waiting for me, if I'll be able to go back on unemployment, or what I'm supposed to do at that point. But there's no sense in worrying about it today or next week or even next month. I pray I can remember all these truths over the next few months but I'm sure I'll have those moments where I forget and start to stress out again!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
