Small Blessings = Great Grace

Over the last week, God has provided for me in some small, but unexpected and amazing ways.  I'm trusting that this list will continue to grow immensely.
Last Friday, walking to Grand Central Station, a $10 bill was lying on the sidewalk on Madison Avenue.  I stopped a watched for a minute and no one noticed it.  At least a dozen people walked by it.  So I picked it up.  Thank you Lord!
Last Monday, I was invited to have Brazilian food in Brooklyn.  I was told it was cheap, about $6.  After drinks, appetizers, dinner, tax and tip, everyone owed around $30.  I was a little disappointed because I hadn't planned to spend that much.  As I got my wallet out, Jack, a guy I just met that day, told me he was covering my meal.  I told him that was nice but he didn't have to do that.  He insisted.  He had just got back from Las Vegas where he won a lot of money and he wanted to pay for my meal, along with his girlfriend and himself.  So, I know he wasn't trying to hit on me.  He put in $100 for the 3 of us!  Wow...thank you Jack and God!
Today, I went to get my eyes examined because the DMV requires a eye test to renew my license.  I had made an appointment at my eye doctor and since I don't have eye health insurance it would cost $50-250.  I found out that the local eye wear shop charges $10 for the same exam.  So I went there.  After the eye exam, I took my wallet out to pay and the store owner said, "no charge."  He said when I come back for a new prescription I can pay then.  At this point, I'm speechless.  Once again, thank you Lord!
I can't wait to see what blessings come next...

**6/6 addition**
Today I was pondering what to have for dinner.  I realized I should go grocery shopping but I don't want to spend money.  So I was going to think about it while I wandered through the farmers market, not planning to buy anything there.  One of the vendors was selling flavored pasta and I struck up a conversation with him.  He gave me a free bag of pasta.  I guess I know what I'm having for dinner!

Thoughts on the non-rapture

Many jokes have been made about Harold Camping, his followers, and his prediction for the rapture to occur on May 21, 2011.  I've made a few jokes and discussed the injustice and possible ramifications of this man's actions.  But in all sincerity, I feel sad for him and those following his beliefs.  This man staked everything on his belief that the rapture would occur.  Millions of dollars and hours were invested in advertising.  Here in New York alone there have been proselytizers working around the clock for months and months, passing out pamphlets.  Not to mention the countless billboards and subway ads.  People actually sold their houses and quit their jobs.  One man, a retired transportation employee, used his life savings to buy advertising space.  His response at 6pm when nothing happened, "I do not understand why ...," as his speech broke off and he looked at his watch.  "I do not understand why nothing has happened."1  What disappointment and confusion he must feel.  He has put his hope in this one moment, this one event for so long.  I feel sad for him and I wonder if he will walk away from God.  Did God let him down?  No, Harold Camping set this guy up for a major letdown. 

And what about Harold Camping?  He said he would spend the day at home watching the events of the rapture unfold on television until it was his turn for the rapture.  If this man really believed this was going to happen, then everything he believes and hopes in has just been taken away from him.  He has made a prediction of end times before.  But last time, he admitted that there was a chance he might be wrong if he made a mathematical error.  And after no rapture occurred in 1994, he conceded that he indeed had made an error in calculation.  This time, he was adamant that there is no way he could be wrong.  He shut down his office, his broadcasting network and his website.  I truly wonder what went through his mind last night when there was no giant earthquake in New Zealand as he was expecting.  I imagine him sitting in his living room watching television, waiting for breaking news, and nothing happens.  Instead, his television turns to the 11 o'clock news as happens every night (11pm in California is 6pm next day in New Zealand).  What did he say to his wife?  Did he even go to bed?  And as nothing monumental unfolded throughout Saturday, how was he feeling? 

I think Harold Camping and many of those following in his footsteps believe that they were really doing what is right, despite the obvious verses in Scripture that direct followers of Christ differently.  I fear for those who have no house, no money, and possibly now, no belief system because of their decision to buy into Harold Camping.  I pray that they will now hear the truth and know it.  But I think many will find a different path to follow that is equally disastrous. 

And as for myself, I looked out the window at 6:00 to see what people were doing because I've seen some of these followers around here before.  Life was continuing as normal as though no one was aware of anything that was supposed to be happening.  When I looked at the sky, I saw a faint rainbow.  God's promise not to destroy man by flood ever again.  But it also reminded me that though today was not Judgment Day, it will happen someday and no man knows that day or hour.

Debtor

I am in the unfortunate but necessary process of declaring bankruptcy. As I fill out forms and go through all the steps involved, I am known as "the debtor". It's a term that stings a little. But it also reminds me that I am first a debtor to Christ. I've never really thought extensively about what it means to be a debtor to Christ. Now, I'm really thinking about it because I keep being reminded that I am a debtor to Chase and American Express and Bank of America and so on. I owe these companies money that they "loaned" to me. Does that mean I owe Christ something?

(This post was written January 2011 but for some reason I didn't post it)

A Valentine's Date...Court Date, that is

Today I joined the ranks of Abraham Lincoln, Walt Disney, and Donald Trump.  No, I did not go into politics, create a cartoon empire, or become a real estate mega mogul.  I have been declared bankrupt as were these individuals at at least one point in their lives.  It hurts, it's frustrating, it's not at all what I wanted, and definitely not where I thought I'd be at this point in my life.  In fact, I never thought I would be faced with this.  However, after 2 years without a steady income and using the bulk of my savings to survive, I had no other choice.  Even if I were to land a job, unless I made 6 figures, bankruptcy is unavoidable at this point.

It has been a long journey to get to this point.  2009 was spent living off of my savings, unemployment, and the little bit of money I brought in from tutoring and temp work...and searching for gainful employment.  2010 was spent in a debt settlement program trying to negotiate with my creditors to allow me to pay off my debts at a lower rate--with little success.  I worked a few temporary jobs in my field but they only allowed me to make ends meet.  I tutored, taste-tested, transcribed from home, and continued to collect unemployment...and searched for gainful employment.  At the end of 2010, I started seriously considering bankruptcy, with shame and embarrassment.  I prayed that if there was any way to avoid bankruptcy that God would show me.  I set deadlines for God to reveal another plan but nothing materialized.  So ahead I went with the process.  I also started to feel less shame.  I don't think I've done anything wrong, there's really nothing I could have done differently, I didn't incur debt by living frivolously or irresponsibly.  Much of my debt was incurred in college for groceries, books, student fees, etc.  In November, I fired my lawyer and hired a new one who is much more familiar with the laws than my previous lawyer was.  I turned in all my paperwork (literally a 1 1/2 inch thick stack of papers) in December.  I signed and filed my bankruptcy papers in January and paid my lawyer and court fees.  And today was my bankruptcy hearing.  My prayer was that it would go smoothly.  The hearing took all of 5 minutes and the trustee asked about 5 questions!  It couldn't have gone more smoothly (or quickly)!  So now I keep thinking to myself, "What now?"

I'm bankrupt...bankrupt.  I still feel like there's a stigma but I need to get over it.  The men I mentioned before all filed bankruptcy (Donald Trump multiple times) and I don't think anyone would consider them failures.  Walt Disney and Abraham Lincoln have been mini-heroes of mine.  What's more, they filed bankruptcy and then became successful, hugely successful.  Perhaps it was the burden of their debt that held them back until they were released from that burden to be able to focus on something greater.  I must admit, I do feel a sense of relief now.  I don't have the constant phone calls from creditors, I don't have to worry about how I'm going to pay for everything, I don't have to decide between buying groceries or paying Visa back for the books I bought in college.  My prayer now is that God would lead me through open doors, that I would find opportunities.  I feel like I've had so many doors slam in my face and I'm really tired.  So I just really only want to pursue those things that will be productive.  I have no idea what that is!  But I'm really waiting and looking to the Lord for His direction with great anticipation.  Please, pray with me.

Matthew Henry said, "Men despise that which is broken, but God will not."  I have felt broken many times along this journey and I'm sure I will feel it again.  It's important to remind myself that what is often important to man (wealth, material items, prestige) is not so important to God.  Likewise, what is seen by man as shameful (having no money, living in simplicity) is often God showing us what is truly important in life.  ^"For all that is in the world—the desires of the flesh and the desires of the eyes and pride in possessions—is not from the Father but is from the world." (I John 2:16)  Not that I struggle with desiring the things of this world, though I'm human and I think that desire is inherent, I think God is teaching me(testing me?), perhaps even saving me from that trap.  "Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect" (Romans 12:2)  Proverbs 31 reminds me that I am actually far more valuable than even rubies!  My hope is that I will be as wildly successful as Abraham Lincoln, Walt Disney, or Donald Trump and even more successful  in light of eternity and the Kingdom of God.

What is God Doing?!?!

Even though it is October, I am doing a bit of "spring cleaning". I received a much-needed new laptop so I am going through all the files on my old laptop to determine what can be deleted, what should be saved to a disc, and what should be transferred to the new laptop. I have come across dozens of cover letters, resumes, and applications that I've sent out over the last 8 years. Many of these positions that I applied to (and subsequently received rejection) I have forgotten about. I have found some briliantly written cover letters and restated the question of "Why didn't they hire me?" There are a few that I realize I never received a response from and I feel that disappointment all over again. It all leads me to wondering what God's plan is for me and how much longer must I wait?

I desperately covet your prayers at this time. I feel as though there is no end in sight to being unemployed. And I'm really starting to feel that I have no real abilities to do anything well. I am being faced with some serious financial challenges. Insomnia is my nighttime friend and I'm sure depression isn't far behind. I'm hoping that my next update will be full of good news!

Why am I Jealous?

Generally, I don't really think of myself as the jealous type. At least, I don't think I am and I don't want to be a jealous person. But I'm starting to think maybe I am more jealous than I realize.

I'm finishing up the last week of my summer job as a logger. The time has flown by. I don't have any concrete jobs lined up for when I leave here but I feel like I've made some good contacts. I'm hoping and praying (and asking you to do so as well) that these contacts will lead to another job in the near future. A number of my co-workers have been going on interviews in abundance. I have yet to land ONE interview. Here's where the fight against jealousy enters, as well as the fight against entitlement and feeling sorry for myself. The truth of the matter is, with the exception of one of those jobs they've interviewed for, I don't want any of those positions. So why am I jealous? One of those co-workers was hired for a job today and starts on Thursday. She's super excited. I can honestly say I'm happy for her but if it were a position I wanted, I don't think I'd be happy for her. Another co-worker has an interview tomorrow for a position that's perfect for her. It's completely not right for me. But it makes me feel frustrated that I haven't had one interview, anywhere, for a perfect or un-perfect position. I lie to myself, trying to convince myself that a perfect position will come along for me and they won't be competition because they will have been hired elsewhere. I'd really like to believe that but I know I'm just lying. This turns into me losing confidence in myself and doubting my abilities. Jealousy doesn't stop at jealousy, it grows and easily turns into hate and anger. It needs to stop.


So what is jealousy? Why do I feel it? What does the Bible say about it? And how can I be geniunely happy for someone else, even if they get a job that I wanted?

Jealousy is defined as "resentment against a rival, a person enjoying success or advantage, etc., or against another's success or advantage itself." Yeah, that really sums up how I feel! Interestingly, there really are no antonyms for jealousy. But you can think of it as "NOT having resentment against a rival, a person enjoying success or advantage, etc., or against another's success or advantage itself." That would mean that you are genuinely happy for them.

Why do I feel it? I feel jealous because I want what they have. Maybe not exactly what they have but something close to what they have.

The book of James in chapter 3 has point on advice about jealousy and envy.
14 But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth.
15 Such "wisdom" does not come down from heaven but is earthly, unspiritual, of the devil.
16 For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice.
17 But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere.

Yikes! Jealousy is "of the devil" and leads to "every evil practice." That should be enough right there to make me get over my jealousy. But I still feel the "selfish ambition" of what about me? What is the "wisdom that comes from heaven"? This is something I need to seek God to show me. By doing this, it takes the focus off me and the accomplishments of others. If I can cling to that, then my selfish ambition will fade and I can genuinely ("impartial and sincere") be happy for others.

Still a test of faith

After a year and a half of being out of steady employment, I have finally been hired to a 12-week contract with a production company.

While it's not the dream job I had hoped for, I'm thankful that God has provided it for me and hopeful that it will grow into bigger and better things. It's not a producer position. It's an entry level logger position for a program on Food Network. It's easy and I'm hoping that it will be a nice transition back into the production field. As I received the final confirmation today about this job, I started to crunch the numbers involved. I realized the daily train ride into Manhattan and the subway from Grand Central to Soho where the office is located will cost me half a week's salary every month. I started considering other options to get to work. But there really aren't any cheaper options. Parking in Manhattan is around $45 a day! Definitely not a cheaper alternative. I started really stressing out thinking this job is going to cost me money in the end. Is it worth it? I think it is. If I have to get through these 12 weeks living off of what's left of my savings, then that's what I have to do in order to see what's waiting on the other side--perhaps a step up the ladder with better pay. I'm willing to work overtime in order to make ends meet. I mean, what else am I going to do with my time? Overall, I really think God will provide what I need to get into and out of the city everyday, pay rent, and still keep my lights on, oh, and have some food to eat too! I look back over the last year and a half WITHOUT a job and He has never allowed me to go hungry or miss a rent payment. Why should I think that He brought me a job and will abandon me now? It's easy for my head to believe this. It's a different story convincing my heart to accept this truth. My faith will be stretched even more as I near the end of the 12-week contract. Right now, I don't know if I will have another job waiting for me, if I'll be able to go back on unemployment, or what I'm supposed to do at that point. But there's no sense in worrying about it today or next week or even next month. I pray I can remember all these truths over the next few months but I'm sure I'll have those moments where I forget and start to stress out again!