1 year. And counting?

There's a song in the musical Rent that says 525,600 minutes adds up to 1 year. As of 5pm today, that's how long I've been unemployed. Unbelievable! If you would have told me last year that I'd be unemployed this long, I wouldn't have believed you. I probably would have felt angry about it and fought against that reality. Well, I have felt angry and I have fought against that reality. Obviously that hasn't helped the situation. I found myself yesterday explaining my situation to a stranger. "I'm unemployed. I'm a TV producer and I've been laid off twice in the last year." Her eyebrows raised and she told me that things are really tough. "Yeah" I said, "but hopefully it will get better soon." Later, I thought to myself that I sounded very positive and optimistic. I wish I really felt as positive and optimistic as I sound. I've been saying since April that things will get better soon. I had to take off my cover letter that my contract "recently" ended. A year ago is not recent. I'm really dreading going to California for Christmas and being asked about my job situation. Actually, what I dread is the look of concern on everyone's face as they ask, "What are you going to do?" How am I supposed to answer that? Am I supposed to have this huge detailed blueprint so that I can get a job? If I had that, I would've put that plan in action months ago. I get irritated by people asking me if I've thought of applying at ABC or NBC or any of the networks. Really? Do you really think I haven't thought of that? I get frustrated by people who have a steady job insisting that it's really not that bad. If that's true, why have I been unemployed for a year and why is the unemplyment rate floating around 10%? I search the internet for hours upon hours on a weekly basis, going through nearly 100 sites, applying for the 4 or 5 jobs I find. I belong to 2 unemployment support groups. I'm the youngest in each group by far, and most everyone in those groups worked in the financial industry. Yes, I am angry, though I don't really know at what. I'm angry that things are the way they are. I'm frustrated that I don't have control over what is happening. I'm scared because I don't know what I'm going to do and I really don't have a plan. I plan on getting a job back in production. How? I don't know! I've tried networking groups, applying everywhere, getting personal recommendations, and so on. What more can I do? I didn't plan to be unemployed this long and I don't want to change careers...again! I feel stuck. I just want some sort of assurance that by x date I will be gainfully employed again. I've learned not to get my hopes up at all about a possible job. Everytime a job comes my way that I'd be perfect for and someone puts in a high recommendation for me, it has fallen through for various reasons. I feel stupid for getting excited about something I didn't even have. I'm not trying to be negative, this is just my reality. I know I'm supposed to learn something from this whole experience and I've learned a lot about myself and the nature of God. But apparently I haven't learned that one thing that I'm really supposed to get out of it. I've learned that I have no control over this situation. I've learned to just let go and wait on God. I've learned that I can do everything right in the job search process and still get no where. I pray constantly that God would show me His way and that I would know what to do. And I ask boldly for a production-related job that would involve screening, editing, creating, and collaborating, and that pays enough to meet my needs. You can pray for me now too.

A few months ago, I opened my Bible and a paper fell out from a sermon in November 2007. It was based on a sermon by John Piper in 2005 about fighting for joy. The line that immediately stood out to me was to "be patient in the night of God's seeming absence". It hit me hard because that's exactly how I feel. Like God is absent, not speaking to me. But it only seems like he's absent. He's just quiet for now. That paper falls out of my Bible a lot now and my eyes always fall to that line. It's a good reminder. It also encourages me to read through the rest of the list about fighting for joy. Others that stand out to me are to realize that the battle is primarily a fight to see God for who He is and pray earnestly and continually for open heart-eyes and an inclination for God. I'm reminded that God has me here at this time, in His time, for His purpose. I don't know what His time or purpose are. I just keep asking that His time to keep me jobless is short.

I want to work, I want to be creative. I would like to work on personal production projects on my own but I don't have the resources (equipment or money) to do so. So here are some ideas I have for the immediate future:
1. I'm considering getting my real estate sales license. I have already talked to a real estate agent friend who has agreed to hire me as her realtor's assistant. I'm hesitant only because it's not really what I want to do and I know I wouldn't pour myself into it entirely. But it would give me something to do in the meantime that I'm interested in. However, I'm not entirely sure it would pay enough.
2. I'm looking for a place that I could volunteer to work on media projects. I've contacted a few local film schools and the public television station about helping on some projects in order to keep my editing skills fresh and network with others in the industry. So far, I've gotten no where with any of this. Each person tells me to contact someone else at that facility.
3. I just finished transcribing my grandmother's memoirs. I had about 7 hours of her on tape talking about her life. I intend to turn that into a book now. I'd like to take a class to learn about memoir writing so I can figure out the best way to go forward with this project.

Other than that, I don't know what I'm going to do...other than what I'm already doing to find a job in my field. So, I ask on this 1-year (unfortunate) anniversary that you continue to pray for me that God would speak and I would hear Him, that the right job would open to me at the right time, and that He would keep me in His care until then.

Deuteronomy 2:7 "For the Lord your God has blessed you in all that you have done; He has known your wanderings through this great wilderness. These forty years the Lord your God has been with you; you have not lacked a thing.” (Hopefully I won't be in this desert for 40 years!)