Friday, July 04, 2008

What am I supposed to learn here?

Lately I have been struggling with loneliness. I don't necessarily feel lonely but I am alone a lot...and I don't always like it. I'm not writing this for pity or to make anyone feel bad, it's just the way things are for me right now. I believe there's got to be a reason in God's Divine Plan but I don't know what that is. I do enjoy my personal space probably more than most people. I like shopping and spending time in the city alone, taking in all the sights. But for the last year it's been extreme and not entirely welcome.
I spent New Year's alone, walked to the city's plaza by myself and watched the ball drop among hundreds of other people but I was alone. I didn't know anyone there. I wasn't really sad about it, maybe a little disappointed, felt a little pathetic. I went to see Rent alone because of someone else's selfish decisions. (There's a long story there but it doesn't need to be shared.) Rather than let their actions rob me of seeing the show, I went alone. I spent Easter alone. Sure, I went to church in the morning but nobody invited me over for Easter dinner. So, I went into the city by myself, surrounded by millions of people to help me forget that I should be with loved ones. I didn't dye eggs, or have ham, or deviled eggs; it was a little sad. I celebrated my promotion alone. Leaving the library for a production position didn't sit well with other librarians and the only congratulations I received were from my replacement and those outside the library. I bought a bottle of wine and drank a glass to myself by myself. Very pathetic. I spent the majority of my birthday alone. I went to work and received many well wishes but came home to an empty apartment. The heart felt invitation to spend the remainder of my day with a friend was revoked that morning. Thankfully, a high school friend new to White Plains took me out for a late dinner when she got home. And now, I'm spending Independence Day alone. I heard many stories about people's plans for the day but not one extended an invitation to me. Tonight, I'll probably head into Manhattan alone and watch the fireworks. I'm feeling really pathetic!
I know many people out here on the east coast but I really don't feel that I have any true friends. I don't think it's because I'm not friendly or likeable. Perhaps I'm a bit guarded with my heart. I know a lot of people at work and my co-workers live all across the tri-state area, from Brooklyn to New Jersey to Hartford. So, that makes it really difficult to associate outside of work. I think there's a grand purpose for this time of loneliness. There has to be! I don't know what that is. I'm waiting to see and ready to learn, if only God would reveal it to me.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

hang in there ...............UB

Patti said...

You and I know the reason for this feeling...you need to listen to your heart and change your life in areas that are not pleasing to God. I say this with all the love in my heart for you. Get that new dress!