Today I joined the ranks of Abraham Lincoln, Walt Disney, and Donald Trump. No, I did not go into politics, create a cartoon empire, or become a real estate mega mogul. I have been declared bankrupt as were these individuals at at least one point in their lives. It hurts, it's frustrating, it's not at all what I wanted, and definitely not where I thought I'd be at this point in my life. In fact, I never thought I would be faced with this. However, after 2 years without a steady income and using the bulk of my savings to survive, I had no other choice. Even if I were to land a job, unless I made 6 figures, bankruptcy is unavoidable at this point.
It has been a long journey to get to this point. 2009 was spent living off of my savings, unemployment, and the little bit of money I brought in from tutoring and temp work...and searching for gainful employment. 2010 was spent in a debt settlement program trying to negotiate with my creditors to allow me to pay off my debts at a lower rate--with little success. I worked a few temporary jobs in my field but they only allowed me to make ends meet. I tutored, taste-tested, transcribed from home, and continued to collect unemployment...and searched for gainful employment. At the end of 2010, I started seriously considering bankruptcy, with shame and embarrassment. I prayed that if there was any way to avoid bankruptcy that God would show me. I set deadlines for God to reveal another plan but nothing materialized. So ahead I went with the process. I also started to feel less shame. I don't think I've done anything wrong, there's really nothing I could have done differently, I didn't incur debt by living frivolously or irresponsibly. Much of my debt was incurred in college for groceries, books, student fees, etc. In November, I fired my lawyer and hired a new one who is much more familiar with the laws than my previous lawyer was. I turned in all my paperwork (literally a 1 1/2 inch thick stack of papers) in December. I signed and filed my bankruptcy papers in January and paid my lawyer and court fees. And today was my bankruptcy hearing. My prayer was that it would go smoothly. The hearing took all of 5 minutes and the trustee asked about 5 questions! It couldn't have gone more smoothly (or quickly)! So now I keep thinking to myself, "What now?"
I'm bankrupt...bankrupt. I still feel like there's a stigma but I need to get over it. The men I mentioned before all filed bankruptcy (Donald Trump multiple times) and I don't think anyone would consider them failures. Walt Disney and Abraham Lincoln have been mini-heroes of mine. What's more, they filed bankruptcy and then became successful, hugely successful. Perhaps it was the burden of their debt that held them back until they were released from that burden to be able to focus on something greater. I must admit, I do feel a sense of relief now. I don't have the constant phone calls from creditors, I don't have to worry about how I'm going to pay for everything, I don't have to decide between buying groceries or paying Visa back for the books I bought in college. My prayer now is that God would lead me through open doors, that I would find opportunities. I feel like I've had so many doors slam in my face and I'm really tired. So I just really only want to pursue those things that will be productive. I have no idea what that is! But I'm really waiting and looking to the Lord for His direction with great anticipation. Please, pray with me.
