Small Blessings = Great Grace

Over the last week, God has provided for me in some small, but unexpected and amazing ways.  I'm trusting that this list will continue to grow immensely.
Last Friday, walking to Grand Central Station, a $10 bill was lying on the sidewalk on Madison Avenue.  I stopped a watched for a minute and no one noticed it.  At least a dozen people walked by it.  So I picked it up.  Thank you Lord!
Last Monday, I was invited to have Brazilian food in Brooklyn.  I was told it was cheap, about $6.  After drinks, appetizers, dinner, tax and tip, everyone owed around $30.  I was a little disappointed because I hadn't planned to spend that much.  As I got my wallet out, Jack, a guy I just met that day, told me he was covering my meal.  I told him that was nice but he didn't have to do that.  He insisted.  He had just got back from Las Vegas where he won a lot of money and he wanted to pay for my meal, along with his girlfriend and himself.  So, I know he wasn't trying to hit on me.  He put in $100 for the 3 of us!  Wow...thank you Jack and God!
Today, I went to get my eyes examined because the DMV requires a eye test to renew my license.  I had made an appointment at my eye doctor and since I don't have eye health insurance it would cost $50-250.  I found out that the local eye wear shop charges $10 for the same exam.  So I went there.  After the eye exam, I took my wallet out to pay and the store owner said, "no charge."  He said when I come back for a new prescription I can pay then.  At this point, I'm speechless.  Once again, thank you Lord!
I can't wait to see what blessings come next...

**6/6 addition**
Today I was pondering what to have for dinner.  I realized I should go grocery shopping but I don't want to spend money.  So I was going to think about it while I wandered through the farmers market, not planning to buy anything there.  One of the vendors was selling flavored pasta and I struck up a conversation with him.  He gave me a free bag of pasta.  I guess I know what I'm having for dinner!

Thoughts on the non-rapture

Many jokes have been made about Harold Camping, his followers, and his prediction for the rapture to occur on May 21, 2011.  I've made a few jokes and discussed the injustice and possible ramifications of this man's actions.  But in all sincerity, I feel sad for him and those following his beliefs.  This man staked everything on his belief that the rapture would occur.  Millions of dollars and hours were invested in advertising.  Here in New York alone there have been proselytizers working around the clock for months and months, passing out pamphlets.  Not to mention the countless billboards and subway ads.  People actually sold their houses and quit their jobs.  One man, a retired transportation employee, used his life savings to buy advertising space.  His response at 6pm when nothing happened, "I do not understand why ...," as his speech broke off and he looked at his watch.  "I do not understand why nothing has happened."1  What disappointment and confusion he must feel.  He has put his hope in this one moment, this one event for so long.  I feel sad for him and I wonder if he will walk away from God.  Did God let him down?  No, Harold Camping set this guy up for a major letdown. 

And what about Harold Camping?  He said he would spend the day at home watching the events of the rapture unfold on television until it was his turn for the rapture.  If this man really believed this was going to happen, then everything he believes and hopes in has just been taken away from him.  He has made a prediction of end times before.  But last time, he admitted that there was a chance he might be wrong if he made a mathematical error.  And after no rapture occurred in 1994, he conceded that he indeed had made an error in calculation.  This time, he was adamant that there is no way he could be wrong.  He shut down his office, his broadcasting network and his website.  I truly wonder what went through his mind last night when there was no giant earthquake in New Zealand as he was expecting.  I imagine him sitting in his living room watching television, waiting for breaking news, and nothing happens.  Instead, his television turns to the 11 o'clock news as happens every night (11pm in California is 6pm next day in New Zealand).  What did he say to his wife?  Did he even go to bed?  And as nothing monumental unfolded throughout Saturday, how was he feeling? 

I think Harold Camping and many of those following in his footsteps believe that they were really doing what is right, despite the obvious verses in Scripture that direct followers of Christ differently.  I fear for those who have no house, no money, and possibly now, no belief system because of their decision to buy into Harold Camping.  I pray that they will now hear the truth and know it.  But I think many will find a different path to follow that is equally disastrous. 

And as for myself, I looked out the window at 6:00 to see what people were doing because I've seen some of these followers around here before.  Life was continuing as normal as though no one was aware of anything that was supposed to be happening.  When I looked at the sky, I saw a faint rainbow.  God's promise not to destroy man by flood ever again.  But it also reminded me that though today was not Judgment Day, it will happen someday and no man knows that day or hour.

Debtor

I am in the unfortunate but necessary process of declaring bankruptcy. As I fill out forms and go through all the steps involved, I am known as "the debtor". It's a term that stings a little. But it also reminds me that I am first a debtor to Christ. I've never really thought extensively about what it means to be a debtor to Christ. Now, I'm really thinking about it because I keep being reminded that I am a debtor to Chase and American Express and Bank of America and so on. I owe these companies money that they "loaned" to me. Does that mean I owe Christ something?

(This post was written January 2011 but for some reason I didn't post it)

A Valentine's Date...Court Date, that is

Today I joined the ranks of Abraham Lincoln, Walt Disney, and Donald Trump.  No, I did not go into politics, create a cartoon empire, or become a real estate mega mogul.  I have been declared bankrupt as were these individuals at at least one point in their lives.  It hurts, it's frustrating, it's not at all what I wanted, and definitely not where I thought I'd be at this point in my life.  In fact, I never thought I would be faced with this.  However, after 2 years without a steady income and using the bulk of my savings to survive, I had no other choice.  Even if I were to land a job, unless I made 6 figures, bankruptcy is unavoidable at this point.

It has been a long journey to get to this point.  2009 was spent living off of my savings, unemployment, and the little bit of money I brought in from tutoring and temp work...and searching for gainful employment.  2010 was spent in a debt settlement program trying to negotiate with my creditors to allow me to pay off my debts at a lower rate--with little success.  I worked a few temporary jobs in my field but they only allowed me to make ends meet.  I tutored, taste-tested, transcribed from home, and continued to collect unemployment...and searched for gainful employment.  At the end of 2010, I started seriously considering bankruptcy, with shame and embarrassment.  I prayed that if there was any way to avoid bankruptcy that God would show me.  I set deadlines for God to reveal another plan but nothing materialized.  So ahead I went with the process.  I also started to feel less shame.  I don't think I've done anything wrong, there's really nothing I could have done differently, I didn't incur debt by living frivolously or irresponsibly.  Much of my debt was incurred in college for groceries, books, student fees, etc.  In November, I fired my lawyer and hired a new one who is much more familiar with the laws than my previous lawyer was.  I turned in all my paperwork (literally a 1 1/2 inch thick stack of papers) in December.  I signed and filed my bankruptcy papers in January and paid my lawyer and court fees.  And today was my bankruptcy hearing.  My prayer was that it would go smoothly.  The hearing took all of 5 minutes and the trustee asked about 5 questions!  It couldn't have gone more smoothly (or quickly)!  So now I keep thinking to myself, "What now?"

I'm bankrupt...bankrupt.  I still feel like there's a stigma but I need to get over it.  The men I mentioned before all filed bankruptcy (Donald Trump multiple times) and I don't think anyone would consider them failures.  Walt Disney and Abraham Lincoln have been mini-heroes of mine.  What's more, they filed bankruptcy and then became successful, hugely successful.  Perhaps it was the burden of their debt that held them back until they were released from that burden to be able to focus on something greater.  I must admit, I do feel a sense of relief now.  I don't have the constant phone calls from creditors, I don't have to worry about how I'm going to pay for everything, I don't have to decide between buying groceries or paying Visa back for the books I bought in college.  My prayer now is that God would lead me through open doors, that I would find opportunities.  I feel like I've had so many doors slam in my face and I'm really tired.  So I just really only want to pursue those things that will be productive.  I have no idea what that is!  But I'm really waiting and looking to the Lord for His direction with great anticipation.  Please, pray with me.

Matthew Henry said, "Men despise that which is broken, but God will not."  I have felt broken many times along this journey and I'm sure I will feel it again.  It's important to remind myself that what is often important to man (wealth, material items, prestige) is not so important to God.  Likewise, what is seen by man as shameful (having no money, living in simplicity) is often God showing us what is truly important in life.  ^"For all that is in the world—the desires of the flesh and the desires of the eyes and pride in possessions—is not from the Father but is from the world." (I John 2:16)  Not that I struggle with desiring the things of this world, though I'm human and I think that desire is inherent, I think God is teaching me(testing me?), perhaps even saving me from that trap.  "Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect" (Romans 12:2)  Proverbs 31 reminds me that I am actually far more valuable than even rubies!  My hope is that I will be as wildly successful as Abraham Lincoln, Walt Disney, or Donald Trump and even more successful  in light of eternity and the Kingdom of God.

What is God Doing?!?!

Even though it is October, I am doing a bit of "spring cleaning". I received a much-needed new laptop so I am going through all the files on my old laptop to determine what can be deleted, what should be saved to a disc, and what should be transferred to the new laptop. I have come across dozens of cover letters, resumes, and applications that I've sent out over the last 8 years. Many of these positions that I applied to (and subsequently received rejection) I have forgotten about. I have found some briliantly written cover letters and restated the question of "Why didn't they hire me?" There are a few that I realize I never received a response from and I feel that disappointment all over again. It all leads me to wondering what God's plan is for me and how much longer must I wait?

I desperately covet your prayers at this time. I feel as though there is no end in sight to being unemployed. And I'm really starting to feel that I have no real abilities to do anything well. I am being faced with some serious financial challenges. Insomnia is my nighttime friend and I'm sure depression isn't far behind. I'm hoping that my next update will be full of good news!

Why am I Jealous?

Generally, I don't really think of myself as the jealous type. At least, I don't think I am and I don't want to be a jealous person. But I'm starting to think maybe I am more jealous than I realize.

I'm finishing up the last week of my summer job as a logger. The time has flown by. I don't have any concrete jobs lined up for when I leave here but I feel like I've made some good contacts. I'm hoping and praying (and asking you to do so as well) that these contacts will lead to another job in the near future. A number of my co-workers have been going on interviews in abundance. I have yet to land ONE interview. Here's where the fight against jealousy enters, as well as the fight against entitlement and feeling sorry for myself. The truth of the matter is, with the exception of one of those jobs they've interviewed for, I don't want any of those positions. So why am I jealous? One of those co-workers was hired for a job today and starts on Thursday. She's super excited. I can honestly say I'm happy for her but if it were a position I wanted, I don't think I'd be happy for her. Another co-worker has an interview tomorrow for a position that's perfect for her. It's completely not right for me. But it makes me feel frustrated that I haven't had one interview, anywhere, for a perfect or un-perfect position. I lie to myself, trying to convince myself that a perfect position will come along for me and they won't be competition because they will have been hired elsewhere. I'd really like to believe that but I know I'm just lying. This turns into me losing confidence in myself and doubting my abilities. Jealousy doesn't stop at jealousy, it grows and easily turns into hate and anger. It needs to stop.


So what is jealousy? Why do I feel it? What does the Bible say about it? And how can I be geniunely happy for someone else, even if they get a job that I wanted?

Jealousy is defined as "resentment against a rival, a person enjoying success or advantage, etc., or against another's success or advantage itself." Yeah, that really sums up how I feel! Interestingly, there really are no antonyms for jealousy. But you can think of it as "NOT having resentment against a rival, a person enjoying success or advantage, etc., or against another's success or advantage itself." That would mean that you are genuinely happy for them.

Why do I feel it? I feel jealous because I want what they have. Maybe not exactly what they have but something close to what they have.

The book of James in chapter 3 has point on advice about jealousy and envy.
14 But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth.
15 Such "wisdom" does not come down from heaven but is earthly, unspiritual, of the devil.
16 For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice.
17 But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere.

Yikes! Jealousy is "of the devil" and leads to "every evil practice." That should be enough right there to make me get over my jealousy. But I still feel the "selfish ambition" of what about me? What is the "wisdom that comes from heaven"? This is something I need to seek God to show me. By doing this, it takes the focus off me and the accomplishments of others. If I can cling to that, then my selfish ambition will fade and I can genuinely ("impartial and sincere") be happy for others.

Still a test of faith

After a year and a half of being out of steady employment, I have finally been hired to a 12-week contract with a production company.

While it's not the dream job I had hoped for, I'm thankful that God has provided it for me and hopeful that it will grow into bigger and better things. It's not a producer position. It's an entry level logger position for a program on Food Network. It's easy and I'm hoping that it will be a nice transition back into the production field. As I received the final confirmation today about this job, I started to crunch the numbers involved. I realized the daily train ride into Manhattan and the subway from Grand Central to Soho where the office is located will cost me half a week's salary every month. I started considering other options to get to work. But there really aren't any cheaper options. Parking in Manhattan is around $45 a day! Definitely not a cheaper alternative. I started really stressing out thinking this job is going to cost me money in the end. Is it worth it? I think it is. If I have to get through these 12 weeks living off of what's left of my savings, then that's what I have to do in order to see what's waiting on the other side--perhaps a step up the ladder with better pay. I'm willing to work overtime in order to make ends meet. I mean, what else am I going to do with my time? Overall, I really think God will provide what I need to get into and out of the city everyday, pay rent, and still keep my lights on, oh, and have some food to eat too! I look back over the last year and a half WITHOUT a job and He has never allowed me to go hungry or miss a rent payment. Why should I think that He brought me a job and will abandon me now? It's easy for my head to believe this. It's a different story convincing my heart to accept this truth. My faith will be stretched even more as I near the end of the 12-week contract. Right now, I don't know if I will have another job waiting for me, if I'll be able to go back on unemployment, or what I'm supposed to do at that point. But there's no sense in worrying about it today or next week or even next month. I pray I can remember all these truths over the next few months but I'm sure I'll have those moments where I forget and start to stress out again!

1 year. And counting?

There's a song in the musical Rent that says 525,600 minutes adds up to 1 year. As of 5pm today, that's how long I've been unemployed. Unbelievable! If you would have told me last year that I'd be unemployed this long, I wouldn't have believed you. I probably would have felt angry about it and fought against that reality. Well, I have felt angry and I have fought against that reality. Obviously that hasn't helped the situation. I found myself yesterday explaining my situation to a stranger. "I'm unemployed. I'm a TV producer and I've been laid off twice in the last year." Her eyebrows raised and she told me that things are really tough. "Yeah" I said, "but hopefully it will get better soon." Later, I thought to myself that I sounded very positive and optimistic. I wish I really felt as positive and optimistic as I sound. I've been saying since April that things will get better soon. I had to take off my cover letter that my contract "recently" ended. A year ago is not recent. I'm really dreading going to California for Christmas and being asked about my job situation. Actually, what I dread is the look of concern on everyone's face as they ask, "What are you going to do?" How am I supposed to answer that? Am I supposed to have this huge detailed blueprint so that I can get a job? If I had that, I would've put that plan in action months ago. I get irritated by people asking me if I've thought of applying at ABC or NBC or any of the networks. Really? Do you really think I haven't thought of that? I get frustrated by people who have a steady job insisting that it's really not that bad. If that's true, why have I been unemployed for a year and why is the unemplyment rate floating around 10%? I search the internet for hours upon hours on a weekly basis, going through nearly 100 sites, applying for the 4 or 5 jobs I find. I belong to 2 unemployment support groups. I'm the youngest in each group by far, and most everyone in those groups worked in the financial industry. Yes, I am angry, though I don't really know at what. I'm angry that things are the way they are. I'm frustrated that I don't have control over what is happening. I'm scared because I don't know what I'm going to do and I really don't have a plan. I plan on getting a job back in production. How? I don't know! I've tried networking groups, applying everywhere, getting personal recommendations, and so on. What more can I do? I didn't plan to be unemployed this long and I don't want to change careers...again! I feel stuck. I just want some sort of assurance that by x date I will be gainfully employed again. I've learned not to get my hopes up at all about a possible job. Everytime a job comes my way that I'd be perfect for and someone puts in a high recommendation for me, it has fallen through for various reasons. I feel stupid for getting excited about something I didn't even have. I'm not trying to be negative, this is just my reality. I know I'm supposed to learn something from this whole experience and I've learned a lot about myself and the nature of God. But apparently I haven't learned that one thing that I'm really supposed to get out of it. I've learned that I have no control over this situation. I've learned to just let go and wait on God. I've learned that I can do everything right in the job search process and still get no where. I pray constantly that God would show me His way and that I would know what to do. And I ask boldly for a production-related job that would involve screening, editing, creating, and collaborating, and that pays enough to meet my needs. You can pray for me now too.

A few months ago, I opened my Bible and a paper fell out from a sermon in November 2007. It was based on a sermon by John Piper in 2005 about fighting for joy. The line that immediately stood out to me was to "be patient in the night of God's seeming absence". It hit me hard because that's exactly how I feel. Like God is absent, not speaking to me. But it only seems like he's absent. He's just quiet for now. That paper falls out of my Bible a lot now and my eyes always fall to that line. It's a good reminder. It also encourages me to read through the rest of the list about fighting for joy. Others that stand out to me are to realize that the battle is primarily a fight to see God for who He is and pray earnestly and continually for open heart-eyes and an inclination for God. I'm reminded that God has me here at this time, in His time, for His purpose. I don't know what His time or purpose are. I just keep asking that His time to keep me jobless is short.

I want to work, I want to be creative. I would like to work on personal production projects on my own but I don't have the resources (equipment or money) to do so. So here are some ideas I have for the immediate future:
1. I'm considering getting my real estate sales license. I have already talked to a real estate agent friend who has agreed to hire me as her realtor's assistant. I'm hesitant only because it's not really what I want to do and I know I wouldn't pour myself into it entirely. But it would give me something to do in the meantime that I'm interested in. However, I'm not entirely sure it would pay enough.
2. I'm looking for a place that I could volunteer to work on media projects. I've contacted a few local film schools and the public television station about helping on some projects in order to keep my editing skills fresh and network with others in the industry. So far, I've gotten no where with any of this. Each person tells me to contact someone else at that facility.
3. I just finished transcribing my grandmother's memoirs. I had about 7 hours of her on tape talking about her life. I intend to turn that into a book now. I'd like to take a class to learn about memoir writing so I can figure out the best way to go forward with this project.

Other than that, I don't know what I'm going to do...other than what I'm already doing to find a job in my field. So, I ask on this 1-year (unfortunate) anniversary that you continue to pray for me that God would speak and I would hear Him, that the right job would open to me at the right time, and that He would keep me in His care until then.

Deuteronomy 2:7 "For the Lord your God has blessed you in all that you have done; He has known your wanderings through this great wilderness. These forty years the Lord your God has been with you; you have not lacked a thing.” (Hopefully I won't be in this desert for 40 years!)

Still I Wait

Lately, I have been doing a lot of contemplating and praying more than usual. The Lord has been faithful to provide for me for the last 7 months (yes, 7 months unemplolyed!). This morning I was thinking that perhaps I should have accepted a job over a year ago with ABC that I was offered the same time as the producer position at A&E. At the time, I accepted the producer position because it was exactly what I wanted to do and I really felt that's where God had lead me, even though I knew it was a contract that might not be renewed. The other job was a permanent employee position. I have no idea what might have happened with the other job (maybe they had layoffs as well), but it doesn't matter. While I was thinking about that, I realized that I'm sort of glad that I lost my job at A&E because I've had some opportunities that would not have come my way had I been working. I've joined a Bible study/ networking/ support group for people who have lost their jobs. Through this group, I've been able to get plugged in with a Biblically sound church and I've met some people that genuinely care about me and my walk with the Lord. Had I been working, I'd have no need for this Bible study. Also, I've had some opportunities to work on my demo and research a documentary that I want to work on. I feel a peace that I'm able to find positive aspects to being unemployed but that's not the end of the story. I WANT to work, I WANT to feel useful, I WANT to have an income and be able to, I don't know, buy a desk! God knows my heart and my desires and I believe that He will meet those...in time. So, that's where the waiting comes in and that's very difficult because waiting means a lot of downtime...time to think. Thinking leads to worry and doubt; both of which are not from God. There are days that I feel like I need to be doing more to find a job. But when I'm in the middle of 8 hours of surfing the web for jobs, mailing out my resume, following leads, and networking, I realize that I'm doing all that I can. I'm not sitting idly by waiting for something to fall in my lap. I am being proactive but still I wait for something to happen.

Here are some verses and quotes about waiting that I can refer to when the difficult part of waiting sneaks up on me. Maybe you'll find them encouraging as well.

Psalm 130:5 "I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in His word I hope"

Isaiah 30:18 "Therefore, the Lord waits to be gracious to you, and therefore He exalts Himself to show mercy to you. For the Lord is a God of justice; blessed are all those who wait for Him."

Psalm 38:15 "But for You, O Lord, do I wait; it is You, O Lord my God, who will answer"

"When we have done our best, we should wait the result in peace" -Sir John Lubbock

"Everything comes to him who hustles while he waits" -Thomas A. Edison

"There is no great achievement that is not the result of patient working and waiting." -J G Holland

Genesis 8 talks about Noah waiting for the earth to dry up enough for him and his family to leave the ark. As I read this chapter, I can understand how Noah felt during that time of waiting. I'm sure he knew beyond any doubt that God was not going to keep him in that ark forever. He knew that there was something more in store for him and eventually God would allow Noah to open the doors of the ark and walk out. But I'm sure during those days of waiting he was bored and felt rather useless, thinking "How long must I wait?" Noah sending out the dove that returned with the "bad news" that the earth was not ready yet is like when I send out my resume and I get a rejection letter. It's just not the right time yet. I'm praying for a sign of hope and progress, my dove returning with an olive branch.

Thanks for the continued prayers and encouragement. I know God will not keep me locked on this ark forever.

4 Months and Counting

I have been unemployed now for a little over 4 months. It has been a time of hope and frustration. Sometimes I switch between these polar feelings in a matter of seconds!

I'm hopeful that I will land an amazing job if I only wait on God's perfect timing. Hopeful that He will provide (and He has thus far). Hopeful everytime I apply for a job. Hopeful everytime I miss out on a job that there's something better for me. Hopeful that things (ie, the economy, job market) will improve. Hopeful because I know that God is in control.

I get frustrated by the lack of jobs available in my field and every field, for that matter. Frustrated by people with jobs telling me the job market isn't that bad. Frustrated that friends who have no experience in my field get the entry level jobs. Frustrated that I haven't even landed an interview. Frustrated when I get turned down for jobs that I could do in my sleep. Frustrated that I worry about the future when I know better than to worry. Frustrated that I have no control over any of this!

The process of receiving unemployment benefits was not explained well in January when I first started receiving them. I was told that I had until January 2010. They left out that I only get a certain dollar amount. So, they should say I have x amount of dollars in my account or until January 2010, whichever comes first. So, as it stands, my benefits will run out at the beginning of July if I keep receiving the level of benefits I currently receive. I can continue to receive benefits if I work fewer than 30 hours per week. Whatever I earn at a part-time job will be deducted from my weekly benefit amount. But if I work over 30 hours, I get no benefits, so I'd probably earn less than what I get with my benefits. Did all that make sense? So, in order to stretch out my benefits to a later date, I'm looking for some part-time work. As a result, I went ahead and (reluctantly) signed up with a temp agency yesterday. Even they told me that they aren't receiving many temp assignments (more frustration). I'm now thinking of signing on with a number of temp agencies to better my chances of finding something. Truth be told, I don't even want to deal with any of this! I just want my perfect broadcasting job...NOW!!!

Not Much To Say

A lot of people have asked me to update my blog about my job situation. I haven't because...I don't feel like there's anything to say! My last day at A&E was December 16. I flew to California on December 17 where I spent Christmas. Came back to NY on December 29 (at 5am) and filed for unemployment. I don't have a job at this time. I surf the Internet for hours on end researching companies and applying for jobs. Truth be told, there aren't a lot of jobs to apply for. Job boards that I check frequently have gone from about 200 job postings to only 5. I think I just have to "wait it out."
In the meantime, I'm trying to be optimistic and think of this whole experience as an opportunity. I have a lot of free time right now and once I do find a job I don't know when I'll have this much time on my hands again. So, I'm focusing on pursuing my dream of being in front of the camera. To clarify, I don't want to be a news reporter or anchor, I don't want to host a talk show, I don't want to act. I do want to host a television magazine-- something you might see on the Travel Channel. I'm interested in sports, travel, fashion, real estate, and food. So any show focusing on one or more of those topics would be ideal. I'm trying to determine what the best plan of attack is to pursue this. I have a few possibilities (all unpaid) in the works. I really don't mind if it's unpaid at this point because I would love to just have the experience and exposure.
If anyone knows any opportunities or avenues to explore (both producing and on-camera), let me know!

Waiting for the Storm to Pass

I really need your prayers at this time. I feel so totally out of control at this time (which I am). I know in my heart that God is in control and will work all things out for good. But my brain is not so certain. I've found out that not only are they NOT going to hire anyone to take Jenny's position as HIstory International (HIN) producer, but they are releasing most freelancers as of January 1st. This is so heart breaking for me to know that many of my friends are losing their job before their time is up. It's also upsetting to me because I feel deceived in a way. Last week, I was asked to take over the HIN network as the sole producer. I'm now developing and implementing the monthly production schedule, and responsible for all shows that go to air for that network. I felt like this was being done to prepare me for that position permanently. And deep inside I'm still hoping that but everyone at work tells me I'm being unrealistic to hope for such a thing. So, knowing that my time is up at A&E on december 16 breaks my heart. I feel like a child screaming "but I don't want to leave!". I've been applying elsewhere but I just feel hopeless about the situation. To add to all this, my lease is up on January 5th and I don't know if I can renew it or even what I will be able to afford. You may remember that I got into that affordable housing program last year, even when it seemed unlikely. I know God can work out what seems impossible. I'm just waiting for that to happen again. And to my falable human mind it seems impossible. I'm really trying to stay optimistic and wait on the Lord but to be honest, it's hard to feel that way constantly. Eventually fear and doubt creep up on me and weigh me down and I lose all composure. Please keep me in prayer. I don't know what's going to happen. Thankfully, God does.

The ball starts rolling

On Friday I finally found out who the new Managing Producer is. Surprisingly, it's not Andy as most everyone expected. A lady named Jenny got the position. She is the primary format producer for History International. I know Andy is very disappointed and all of us are very surprised. But I'm sure Jenny will do a good job as Managing Producer. So, what does this mean for me??? I'm not completely sure. However, since Jenny is really the only producer for the entire H.I. Network, someone will need to take over that network soon. I don't know exactly how they will restructure the department but I know they have to. If they hire a permanent employee (which is highly likely) I feel that I have a pretty good shot. Jenny seems to like me on a personal level more than the other freelance producer I'd be up against. A&E seems to take its time in making decisions so it all comes down to WHEN they decide to restructure and not IF.
I will keep you all updated when and how things progress.

Waiting...and waiting

I intend to update my blog pretty regularly for the next month or so because a lot of things will be happening. So, be sure to check back often.

My job situation has not changed since my last blog except that more time has been taken off my contract. I'm down to about 6 weeks left. Part of me is freaking out because I haven't found a permanent position. But the other part of me is remaining calm because I'm doing all I can possibly do to find a job. I've been taking time every weekend to search about 30 different websites for open positions and apply for anything that I'm qualified for in my field. I've also been networking like crazy. Outside of that, it's not in my hands anyway and I'm trying to remain confident that all will work out in God's timing.
Something I see unfolding and I'm praying that it is God's hand at work (though not as quickly as I want!) has been happening at A&E. About a month ago, the managing producer for the History Channel (Louis) accepted a position at the Discovery Health Network near Washington DC. So, he left A&E. My managing producer, Doug, took Louis' job. Now Doug's position is open. So, I applied and interviewed for it. I know I am no where near the level of experience for that position but Doug encouraged me to apply for it. I felt it was a good opportunity to let the upper management folks know that I really want to stay with A&E and it gave them an opportunity to assess my level of performance thus far. The interview went well as far as having a good conversation with my supervising producer (George) and expressing my desires to him. George let me know this week that I did not get that position (no surprise there) and that the person who got that job will be announced in the next few days. I was hoping to find out yesterday but I guess I'll have to wait until Monday. Everyone is convinced that Andy got the position. He is the likely candidate having worked for A&E as a producer for the last 10 years or so and is unoffically next in line for Doug's position. I'm really hoping and praying that whoever gets the job is hired from within so that their job becomes available for me to apply for. When George called me into his office to let me know that someone else has been selected for the position, I asked him that if he's hired someone from within and I apply for that permanent position would he recommend me? He didn't hesitate to say Yes, without a doubt! But he wouldn't be interviewing me for that position. So, IF Andy is hired, he'll be my new boss. Ironically (or not, I don't know) Andy has been giving me A LOT of extra work for the last week and asking me to do special projects, training me on formats that only he works on, asking me when my time is up and if I want to stay. Please keep this in prayer!
Last Monday, I had a meeting with the HR Director at A&E to discuss with her my options for staying there. There is currently a postion available in another department that I've been considering applying for in an effort to stay at A&E. So, I asked her if it would be in my best interest to apply for it even though it is not a production position. She encouraged me to wait until the new managing producer is announced because IF they hire from within there will be a lot of restructuring to my current department. She hinted that there may be restructuring even if they don't hire from within. If I were to take a position in another department, they would expect me to stay in that position for at least a year before switching departments. I've decided to wait and see who the new managing producer is and what the plan is for my department. I'm feeling VERY impatient here! Again, pray for me.
If you know me very well, you know that I love Starbucks coffee, especially soy lattes. I find my almost daily cup of Starbucks to be my indulgence and a comfort when I'm having a rough day. Well, I've decided that while I'm waiting for God to answer my job question, I cannot turn to Starbucks for comfort. I have to turn to Him. It's only been a week but everytime I think that I really want my cup of coffee I resist it and start praying.

The Countdown is On

I received notice today that my 2,450 hours at A&E are down to about 750. I have recently been aware of my remaining hours but when you are called into the boss' office to sign your final contract it becomes very real. I can't believe I've been there nearly a year! My projected final day is December 5th. Many people have asked me the obvious question: "what happens after that?" My answer: "I don't know!" There are a few options for me but every one of them requires me to have a ton of FAITH! I don't think it's a coincidence that that is the very topic we've been looking at in my Women's Bible study. So here are my options (all of which are out of my control).
1) A permanent producer position could become available at A&E, I would apply and perhaps be hired. A position recently opened up which I applied for...along with about 20 other candidates. The competition is tight.
2) A permanent position could open in another department. Once again, there would be a lot of candidates.
3) I may apply for another position at an entirely different network.
4) Something else entirely, of which I have no idea!

I hope I'm not sounding negative. I'm not trying to be. I am trying to be realistic, let my needs and desires be known to God, and trust in Him. Please start praying for me now. Ideally, I would like to stay where I'm at. I LOVE my current job and would only love it more if I received benefits and paid vacation! My prayer is that I would be able to stay there and if that is not the Lord's will, that He would bless me with another position that would meet my physical needs and that I would love just as much. Seriously, I've never had a job that I look forward to going everyday and can find very little, if anything, to say negative about it.
Besides the job situation, my life already feels in a bit of a transition. I can't really explain what's going in my life, mostly because I don't know! I just feel like there are some changes occurring. Maybe I'm being prepared for whatever is in store for me. It's both exciting and frightening at the same time.

What am I supposed to learn here?

Lately I have been struggling with loneliness. I don't necessarily feel lonely but I am alone a lot...and I don't always like it. I'm not writing this for pity or to make anyone feel bad, it's just the way things are for me right now. I believe there's got to be a reason in God's Divine Plan but I don't know what that is. I do enjoy my personal space probably more than most people. I like shopping and spending time in the city alone, taking in all the sights. But for the last year it's been extreme and not entirely welcome.
I spent New Year's alone, walked to the city's plaza by myself and watched the ball drop among hundreds of other people but I was alone. I didn't know anyone there. I wasn't really sad about it, maybe a little disappointed, felt a little pathetic. I went to see Rent alone because of someone else's selfish decisions. (There's a long story there but it doesn't need to be shared.) Rather than let their actions rob me of seeing the show, I went alone. I spent Easter alone. Sure, I went to church in the morning but nobody invited me over for Easter dinner. So, I went into the city by myself, surrounded by millions of people to help me forget that I should be with loved ones. I didn't dye eggs, or have ham, or deviled eggs; it was a little sad. I celebrated my promotion alone. Leaving the library for a production position didn't sit well with other librarians and the only congratulations I received were from my replacement and those outside the library. I bought a bottle of wine and drank a glass to myself by myself. Very pathetic. I spent the majority of my birthday alone. I went to work and received many well wishes but came home to an empty apartment. The heart felt invitation to spend the remainder of my day with a friend was revoked that morning. Thankfully, a high school friend new to White Plains took me out for a late dinner when she got home. And now, I'm spending Independence Day alone. I heard many stories about people's plans for the day but not one extended an invitation to me. Tonight, I'll probably head into Manhattan alone and watch the fireworks. I'm feeling really pathetic!
I know many people out here on the east coast but I really don't feel that I have any true friends. I don't think it's because I'm not friendly or likeable. Perhaps I'm a bit guarded with my heart. I know a lot of people at work and my co-workers live all across the tri-state area, from Brooklyn to New Jersey to Hartford. So, that makes it really difficult to associate outside of work. I think there's a grand purpose for this time of loneliness. There has to be! I don't know what that is. I'm waiting to see and ready to learn, if only God would reveal it to me.

1st Week, 1st Edit...Done!

My first day as a Producer was May 5th. I spent the first week following around other producers, sitting in on their edit sessions, and learning what all my responsibilities are. I set up my new desk and started to familiarize myself with all the paperwork I have to submit for every show. I also received my assignments for the month of June. So, with my feet wet and a basic understanding of what I'm supposed to do, they set me to work. I had my first solo edit session this past Wednesday (May 14). It went really well!! I formatted 5 shows and revised 4. 9 shows done in one day is good, even for a veteran producer, or so I'm told.

A lot of people have been asking about the specifics of my job. There's a lot of aspects to it and it's not all very interesting but I'll try to explain what I do. A production plan is created by one of the senior producers that includes every show for the month that will need to have something done to it. A producer is assigned to each show. I have to look at the production plan and see what's assigned to me and what I have to do to each show. I then have to request the proper materials (blank tapes, source footage, element footage, etc.) in order to correctly create the show. Most of my time is spent getting ready for my edit session. I have to pre-screen everything to make sure there are no audio or video problems, no swearing, and that the program times out correctly. A 1-hour program should really be about 45 minutes, allowing for 15 minutes of commercials. So, if it's too long, I have to decide what will be cut out. I have to have forms prepared for myself and the editor based on my screening process. The day of edit, I work with an editor to make all the changes to the programs that I decided to make during the screening process. If it's a new program, we have to record it onto 2 video tapes and add any special elements I decided to put in. And more paperwork. Paperwork for the reel telling what show is on the tape, and all the important time codes, and revision paperwork. Then, after the edit session, I have to email all the paperwork to the correct departments and make sure the reels go to the library (where I used to work) so that it can be labeled and prepared to go to air. So, basically, my job is to watch a lot of TV. Sometimes it's really interesting (like when I am assigned to Biographies), sometimes it's really not (like when I'm assigned to Ghost Stories). But I really am enoying it! I have my lunch paid for by A&E when I'm in an edit session. I work on my own schedule and am responsible only for myself. I work really well that way. I have a cubicle with my own little TV. I have a cart that belongs to me with Yankees stickers on it. I sit near other producers who are pretty kick back and easy going, and one is kinda cute too! We go on spur of the moment coffee runs (unfortunately, there's no Starbucks nearby so I have to settle for Dunkin' Donuts) and play Scrabble and Sudoku when we run out of things to do. Oh, and we find a reason to have cake and ice cream at least once a week! I couldn't ask for a better job!

Here are some pictures from my first edit session this week.

My first slate

This is the edit suite

Me, producing!

Here's the Latest

It's official...starting in May, I will be a Producer for the Biography Channel. I'm so excited and thankful for this opportunity! God is so good!
I have to wait a few weeks for someone to be hired in my current position and then I have to train them for a week. So, I'm looking at the first week of May to move over to the post-production department. My new job sounds more glamorous than it really is (as most things in life are). I will have a lot of paperwork to do. I will be in the editing studio once or twice a week for 8 hours at a time adding Biography Channel elements to programs, making sure they meet FCC standards, and have no audio or video errors. Most of my editing sessions will be during the day (8:30-4:30) but about once a month I'll have to do a night edit (5pm-1am). No, you won't see my name on the credits at the end of the show. That'll happen with my next job! When I'm in an editing session, A&E Networks buys my lunch. Nice perk! Plus, I have a little bit of flexibility in my hours.
Doug, my new boss, said that they decided to give me the job because they liked my initiative. I've never thought of myself as having initiative and for me to approach him in the first place is not something I usually do. So, it's really paid off for me to put myself out on a limb this time. Doug also mentioned that early in his career, people took a chance on him and gave him opportunities and he wanted to pay me the same consideration.
Ironically, an hour after I was offered the position, I received a phone call from ABC asking me to come in for an interview to work on "All My Children". I told them they were an hour late!

Opening Day Report

Yankees Opening Day was scheduled for Monday, March 31. I had been watching the forecast for about a week leading up to the game. It kept saying it would rain on Monday but all the meteorologists "guaranteed" that it would not rain out the Yankees game. What do they know? (Sorry, Carlos) Well, Monday came and it was drizzly all day, like a heavy fog. We got to the stadium and they announced that the game would be delayed an hour. So, we hung around eating hot dogs and talking to other fans. An hour passed and another announcement that they were "evaluating their options." What options do you have? You either play the game or you don't. Fan were getting restless, chanting "Let them play!" and yelling at Joe Girardi that if Torre were here, they'd be playing. (If you're not a baseball fan, those names probably hold no meaning for you. If you know baseball, you laughed just now.) Well, they decided to postpone the game until Tuesday at 7:05 because the weather forecast called for deteriorating conditions. Fans groaned and clapped at the same time. And everyone headed out. The weather never deteriorated...
So, now Tuesday, April 1st is Opening Day. Good thing I bought a hat that says "Final Opening Day in Yankee Stadium--March 31, 2008" Guess it's a collector's item now! We missed the train we had intended to take so we decided to drive to the stadium. I live only about 20 minutes by car and 30-40 minutes by train from Yankee Stadium. The train is just easier to take because parking is a headache and there's construction all around the stadium. So, we drove in, found a parking spot (barely), and got to the stadium. Then we stood in line for 20 minutes and missed the first pitch. :( I was very disappointed but there's nothing I could do about it. The line was just so slow and they had only 4 people checking in a crowd of people. Poor planning on the Yankees part. I got to my seat in time to see the Yankees come up for their first at-bats. It was a great game. The atmosphere felt like a play off game. And the Yankees won!
Time to head home. We hopped in the car and were just about to get on the Major Deegan Expressway when a box truck made a wide right turn...right into us! Awww, man! We look up and there's a bunch of police cars heading our direction. "Oh good," I thought, "they saw the accident and are coming to help us." I yell at some people on the street to stop the guy who hit us. Thankfully no one seemed to be hurt. But the cops were yelling at us to move. We explain that we were just hit. They tell us there's a "more important" scene and point to the on ramp. There are about 8 police cars on the on ramp. We ask if they could spare one police officer for us. The cop yells at me that someone is dying! So, I get on my cell phone and call 9-1-1. I explain what happened and that I know there's a more imporant accident but we just need one officer to take a report. No, nobody's hurt but we're sort of blocking the intersection and now it's pouring and it's not safe to be out here. The dispatcher tells me that someone is on the way. After 45 minutes of waiting in the pouring rain and exchanging information with the other driver, still no police officer to help us! Many cops passed us to go to the other accident scene--none stopped to ask if we were OK. In all the time we were there, only one woman stopped to ask if I was OK and if she could call a cab for me. How nice! I told her that I was waiting for the police...for more than a half hour. She rolled her eyes and said "It figures. Don't count on anyone to show up." Well, we gave up waiting. Got all the info we could get from the other guy and left.
I'm very dissatisfied with the Bronx Police Department. I realize the other accident scene was more dire than ours. However, I am not convinced that every cop in the Bronx needed to be there. At one point, there were probably 20 or more emergency vehicles on that scene. Thankfully, nobody was seriously hurt. My back was hurting before the accident and now it's hurting worse. Other than that, I feel fine. If the truck had hit us a second earlier, it would have hit the front door of the car and probably would have really injured us. Basically, the whole experience of Opening Day that I've been so excited about and anticipating for awhile now, has been overshadowed by disappointments. The more I think about it, the more I'm reminded of Matthew 6:19-20. "Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal." While these verses allude to material treasures, I think it can apply to experiences too. Our experiences here on earth can be destroyed, or at the very least disappointing, becuase of other influences.

Here's a link to the news story about the other accident(http://www.wcbs880.com/pages/1928695.php?contentType=4&contentId=1817308)
I'll post some pictures from the game days soon.

**I know you're probably wondering...no, I haven't heard about the Producer position. I asked Doug if he had anything he wanted to talk about with me today. He simply said, "No, not today..." I'll keep you posted.**

It's Been Awhile

Believe it or not, I have been working for A&E Television Networks for 7 months now! Since reaching the 6 month mark there, I've been feeling rather unchallenged in my job. I've also been considering what my next career step should be since my current position will only last until November at best. Last Friday I decided to talk with the Managing Producer (Doug) to get some career advice. He didn't really steer me in any direction in particular but it turned into something like an interview. He asked me to send him my resume if I'd be interested in a Producer position. Of course I'm interested! So, first thing Monday morning I sent Doug my resume, knowing there aren't any open Producer positions. Yesterday Doug stopped by my desk and asked me to meet with him Friday at 3. I didn't realize it would be an actual interview! I met with him for an hour today. He told me that there is a position open and told me all about the job. I'd be a Producer for the Biography Channel formatting various programs before they go to air. I think I'd be really good at this. I'd learn another aspect of post-production and once again feel challenged in my work. It would also mean a pay increase! Even without the pay increase, I really want this. I can really see God's hand working in my life. There was no job available last week when I went to talk to Doug and I went and talked to him anyway. And now I'm waiting to hear if I will be a Producer!
When my lease was up in January, there was no way I could afford to stay in my apartment. Somehow, which I still don't understand, I was able to get into an affordable housing program, get my rent lowered by $600/month, AND stay in my current place. Usually people in the housing program have to live in a studio apartment. But they allowed me to stay in my apartment because it would be too much of a hassle to move. Praise God!
If you know me very well, you know how much I love the Yankees. It's been a dream since moving here to get season tickets for the Yankees. I figured I have to do it this year since it's the final season in Yankee Stadium. I put a deposit down in November for a package of 15 games. I realized it was kind of a gamble because there's no guarantee I'll get tickets since I've never had a season ticket package before. Once all the current ticket holders renew their licenses, then they choose new people to purchase ticket plans. Somehow I have seniority. I got a call in February that I could choose my seats because I bought a lot of Yankees tickets in 2005. That's impossible because I didn't live in NY in 2005 so there'd be no reason for me to have bought any tickets then! Well, there's no mistake about it. I am the proud owner of Section 27, row J, seats 1 and 2 for every Sunday home game. Unbelievable! Opening Day is March 31...10 more days! I can't wait!
Thank you for your continued love, prayer, and support. I would love to hear from those of you I've drifted away from. Keep me posted on your life. I will let you know when I hear about the Producer job.