1 year. And counting?

There's a song in the musical Rent that says 525,600 minutes adds up to 1 year. As of 5pm today, that's how long I've been unemployed. Unbelievable! If you would have told me last year that I'd be unemployed this long, I wouldn't have believed you. I probably would have felt angry about it and fought against that reality. Well, I have felt angry and I have fought against that reality. Obviously that hasn't helped the situation. I found myself yesterday explaining my situation to a stranger. "I'm unemployed. I'm a TV producer and I've been laid off twice in the last year." Her eyebrows raised and she told me that things are really tough. "Yeah" I said, "but hopefully it will get better soon." Later, I thought to myself that I sounded very positive and optimistic. I wish I really felt as positive and optimistic as I sound. I've been saying since April that things will get better soon. I had to take off my cover letter that my contract "recently" ended. A year ago is not recent. I'm really dreading going to California for Christmas and being asked about my job situation. Actually, what I dread is the look of concern on everyone's face as they ask, "What are you going to do?" How am I supposed to answer that? Am I supposed to have this huge detailed blueprint so that I can get a job? If I had that, I would've put that plan in action months ago. I get irritated by people asking me if I've thought of applying at ABC or NBC or any of the networks. Really? Do you really think I haven't thought of that? I get frustrated by people who have a steady job insisting that it's really not that bad. If that's true, why have I been unemployed for a year and why is the unemplyment rate floating around 10%? I search the internet for hours upon hours on a weekly basis, going through nearly 100 sites, applying for the 4 or 5 jobs I find. I belong to 2 unemployment support groups. I'm the youngest in each group by far, and most everyone in those groups worked in the financial industry. Yes, I am angry, though I don't really know at what. I'm angry that things are the way they are. I'm frustrated that I don't have control over what is happening. I'm scared because I don't know what I'm going to do and I really don't have a plan. I plan on getting a job back in production. How? I don't know! I've tried networking groups, applying everywhere, getting personal recommendations, and so on. What more can I do? I didn't plan to be unemployed this long and I don't want to change careers...again! I feel stuck. I just want some sort of assurance that by x date I will be gainfully employed again. I've learned not to get my hopes up at all about a possible job. Everytime a job comes my way that I'd be perfect for and someone puts in a high recommendation for me, it has fallen through for various reasons. I feel stupid for getting excited about something I didn't even have. I'm not trying to be negative, this is just my reality. I know I'm supposed to learn something from this whole experience and I've learned a lot about myself and the nature of God. But apparently I haven't learned that one thing that I'm really supposed to get out of it. I've learned that I have no control over this situation. I've learned to just let go and wait on God. I've learned that I can do everything right in the job search process and still get no where. I pray constantly that God would show me His way and that I would know what to do. And I ask boldly for a production-related job that would involve screening, editing, creating, and collaborating, and that pays enough to meet my needs. You can pray for me now too.

A few months ago, I opened my Bible and a paper fell out from a sermon in November 2007. It was based on a sermon by John Piper in 2005 about fighting for joy. The line that immediately stood out to me was to "be patient in the night of God's seeming absence". It hit me hard because that's exactly how I feel. Like God is absent, not speaking to me. But it only seems like he's absent. He's just quiet for now. That paper falls out of my Bible a lot now and my eyes always fall to that line. It's a good reminder. It also encourages me to read through the rest of the list about fighting for joy. Others that stand out to me are to realize that the battle is primarily a fight to see God for who He is and pray earnestly and continually for open heart-eyes and an inclination for God. I'm reminded that God has me here at this time, in His time, for His purpose. I don't know what His time or purpose are. I just keep asking that His time to keep me jobless is short.

I want to work, I want to be creative. I would like to work on personal production projects on my own but I don't have the resources (equipment or money) to do so. So here are some ideas I have for the immediate future:
1. I'm considering getting my real estate sales license. I have already talked to a real estate agent friend who has agreed to hire me as her realtor's assistant. I'm hesitant only because it's not really what I want to do and I know I wouldn't pour myself into it entirely. But it would give me something to do in the meantime that I'm interested in. However, I'm not entirely sure it would pay enough.
2. I'm looking for a place that I could volunteer to work on media projects. I've contacted a few local film schools and the public television station about helping on some projects in order to keep my editing skills fresh and network with others in the industry. So far, I've gotten no where with any of this. Each person tells me to contact someone else at that facility.
3. I just finished transcribing my grandmother's memoirs. I had about 7 hours of her on tape talking about her life. I intend to turn that into a book now. I'd like to take a class to learn about memoir writing so I can figure out the best way to go forward with this project.

Other than that, I don't know what I'm going to do...other than what I'm already doing to find a job in my field. So, I ask on this 1-year (unfortunate) anniversary that you continue to pray for me that God would speak and I would hear Him, that the right job would open to me at the right time, and that He would keep me in His care until then.

Deuteronomy 2:7 "For the Lord your God has blessed you in all that you have done; He has known your wanderings through this great wilderness. These forty years the Lord your God has been with you; you have not lacked a thing.” (Hopefully I won't be in this desert for 40 years!)

Still I Wait

Lately, I have been doing a lot of contemplating and praying more than usual. The Lord has been faithful to provide for me for the last 7 months (yes, 7 months unemplolyed!). This morning I was thinking that perhaps I should have accepted a job over a year ago with ABC that I was offered the same time as the producer position at A&E. At the time, I accepted the producer position because it was exactly what I wanted to do and I really felt that's where God had lead me, even though I knew it was a contract that might not be renewed. The other job was a permanent employee position. I have no idea what might have happened with the other job (maybe they had layoffs as well), but it doesn't matter. While I was thinking about that, I realized that I'm sort of glad that I lost my job at A&E because I've had some opportunities that would not have come my way had I been working. I've joined a Bible study/ networking/ support group for people who have lost their jobs. Through this group, I've been able to get plugged in with a Biblically sound church and I've met some people that genuinely care about me and my walk with the Lord. Had I been working, I'd have no need for this Bible study. Also, I've had some opportunities to work on my demo and research a documentary that I want to work on. I feel a peace that I'm able to find positive aspects to being unemployed but that's not the end of the story. I WANT to work, I WANT to feel useful, I WANT to have an income and be able to, I don't know, buy a desk! God knows my heart and my desires and I believe that He will meet those...in time. So, that's where the waiting comes in and that's very difficult because waiting means a lot of downtime...time to think. Thinking leads to worry and doubt; both of which are not from God. There are days that I feel like I need to be doing more to find a job. But when I'm in the middle of 8 hours of surfing the web for jobs, mailing out my resume, following leads, and networking, I realize that I'm doing all that I can. I'm not sitting idly by waiting for something to fall in my lap. I am being proactive but still I wait for something to happen.

Here are some verses and quotes about waiting that I can refer to when the difficult part of waiting sneaks up on me. Maybe you'll find them encouraging as well.

Psalm 130:5 "I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in His word I hope"

Isaiah 30:18 "Therefore, the Lord waits to be gracious to you, and therefore He exalts Himself to show mercy to you. For the Lord is a God of justice; blessed are all those who wait for Him."

Psalm 38:15 "But for You, O Lord, do I wait; it is You, O Lord my God, who will answer"

"When we have done our best, we should wait the result in peace" -Sir John Lubbock

"Everything comes to him who hustles while he waits" -Thomas A. Edison

"There is no great achievement that is not the result of patient working and waiting." -J G Holland

Genesis 8 talks about Noah waiting for the earth to dry up enough for him and his family to leave the ark. As I read this chapter, I can understand how Noah felt during that time of waiting. I'm sure he knew beyond any doubt that God was not going to keep him in that ark forever. He knew that there was something more in store for him and eventually God would allow Noah to open the doors of the ark and walk out. But I'm sure during those days of waiting he was bored and felt rather useless, thinking "How long must I wait?" Noah sending out the dove that returned with the "bad news" that the earth was not ready yet is like when I send out my resume and I get a rejection letter. It's just not the right time yet. I'm praying for a sign of hope and progress, my dove returning with an olive branch.

Thanks for the continued prayers and encouragement. I know God will not keep me locked on this ark forever.

4 Months and Counting

I have been unemployed now for a little over 4 months. It has been a time of hope and frustration. Sometimes I switch between these polar feelings in a matter of seconds!

I'm hopeful that I will land an amazing job if I only wait on God's perfect timing. Hopeful that He will provide (and He has thus far). Hopeful everytime I apply for a job. Hopeful everytime I miss out on a job that there's something better for me. Hopeful that things (ie, the economy, job market) will improve. Hopeful because I know that God is in control.

I get frustrated by the lack of jobs available in my field and every field, for that matter. Frustrated by people with jobs telling me the job market isn't that bad. Frustrated that friends who have no experience in my field get the entry level jobs. Frustrated that I haven't even landed an interview. Frustrated when I get turned down for jobs that I could do in my sleep. Frustrated that I worry about the future when I know better than to worry. Frustrated that I have no control over any of this!

The process of receiving unemployment benefits was not explained well in January when I first started receiving them. I was told that I had until January 2010. They left out that I only get a certain dollar amount. So, they should say I have x amount of dollars in my account or until January 2010, whichever comes first. So, as it stands, my benefits will run out at the beginning of July if I keep receiving the level of benefits I currently receive. I can continue to receive benefits if I work fewer than 30 hours per week. Whatever I earn at a part-time job will be deducted from my weekly benefit amount. But if I work over 30 hours, I get no benefits, so I'd probably earn less than what I get with my benefits. Did all that make sense? So, in order to stretch out my benefits to a later date, I'm looking for some part-time work. As a result, I went ahead and (reluctantly) signed up with a temp agency yesterday. Even they told me that they aren't receiving many temp assignments (more frustration). I'm now thinking of signing on with a number of temp agencies to better my chances of finding something. Truth be told, I don't even want to deal with any of this! I just want my perfect broadcasting job...NOW!!!

Not Much To Say

A lot of people have asked me to update my blog about my job situation. I haven't because...I don't feel like there's anything to say! My last day at A&E was December 16. I flew to California on December 17 where I spent Christmas. Came back to NY on December 29 (at 5am) and filed for unemployment. I don't have a job at this time. I surf the Internet for hours on end researching companies and applying for jobs. Truth be told, there aren't a lot of jobs to apply for. Job boards that I check frequently have gone from about 200 job postings to only 5. I think I just have to "wait it out."
In the meantime, I'm trying to be optimistic and think of this whole experience as an opportunity. I have a lot of free time right now and once I do find a job I don't know when I'll have this much time on my hands again. So, I'm focusing on pursuing my dream of being in front of the camera. To clarify, I don't want to be a news reporter or anchor, I don't want to host a talk show, I don't want to act. I do want to host a television magazine-- something you might see on the Travel Channel. I'm interested in sports, travel, fashion, real estate, and food. So any show focusing on one or more of those topics would be ideal. I'm trying to determine what the best plan of attack is to pursue this. I have a few possibilities (all unpaid) in the works. I really don't mind if it's unpaid at this point because I would love to just have the experience and exposure.
If anyone knows any opportunities or avenues to explore (both producing and on-camera), let me know!